Me, Myself, & Fabulous

I’m writing it because I think it would be a great subject for what I am trying to do here, as well as I have wanted to write it for awhile.
It’s been pretty well out there that I’m happily working with Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transgendered Advocacy & Youth Services Inc, hence the blog that I made to get attention for them and advertise their name in hopes of getting donations.
This is not a support page, I am not going to coddle you. Realizing your sexual orientation is odd and it’s hard as well. It’s the cold bitter truth to it. Yes, it does get better, but don’t ask me to lie and say that it’s all rainbows because it’s not. Even with my optimistic personality, I would never be able to bring myself to lie to anyone who asked me a straight question about it.
I’ve had my own demons, but thankfully they are kinder to me than most people. I don’t ask for sympathy, I just need to be able to put my thoughts down. Whether someone reads them or not, fine, but opening about myself feels right even though almost dramatic.
Hehe, I like dramatic as an adjective for this. Let’s keep that word in mind.
Anyway, ignoring the painfully long intro that I’m sure bored you to death, this will be about how I feel wit my sexuality.
I am bi. It feels nice to be able to say that with a certainty. My mother raised me to care about people no matter what. I love the feeling of helping people, no matter if they’re male, female, black, white, mexican, or whatever else they may be.
Before my teacher, who I imagine must be physic, suggested GLBTAYS to me, I was bi, but it was different.
I knew who I was and I had had a girlfriend before. However, it seemed like something best kept quiet.
By the way, if this seems jumbled, that’s because it is. I am typing what’s on my mind, finally letting the fear out of my gut and what people may say but I’m not reading back over it. Not until I press publish.
I don’t know why I kept it quiet, I’ve never been the modest type of person. I mean, I wore chain pants and black lip stick when I was little, but it did.
Maybe it was my friend’s response, a girl that WAS bi, who didn’t seem to believe me. Maybe it was when another friend blatantly told me that I wasn’t. Maybe it was even because I thought it was a phase.
Obviously it wasn’t. I was often more drawn towards men, but I found myself wanting a girlfriend when I was single. Girls just make me so much happier. So many of them are so beautiful, no matter what they think is wrong with them, and I loved being able to remind the girls of that and seeing their face light up. I loved being able to be there for someone if they needed to cry in my arms.
In the summary, I loved being the man of the relationship. The one to hold someone, the one to make them feel special, and the one to give up my coat.
However, it still feels weird working with GLBTAYS at times because I question where my heart is. You see, I may be bi, but I’m much more into men and I haven’t had a girlfriend since last year. I dated a man who was the girl in our relationship. He wore skirts, I called him my girlfriend, and I treated him as a girl, but he was still a male.
I think a lot of why I latched onto this organization is because it has so much spirit. People don’t pretend to be happy to see you because it’s what’s expected of them. They ARE happy to see you. At the time my teacher suggested it to me, I didn’t know that i would need this spirit.
Not long after, less than a month, I had a panic attack. That panic attacked mixed with depression also gave way to anxiety and it has been a struggle at times to keep going. Yes, it’s grown weaker and I could do without a life boat to latch to, but the moments that I work with GLBTAYS, I keep my mind busy and it all sheds away. Not only that, but I’m actually doing something. I am actually helping make a change and doing something. Every other place that I have volunteered at, and I have a lot, I didn’t feel like I was welcomed there or that i was doing anything to help the group.
The feeling of being helpful and wanting to do so much more for them really helped combat my depression, but it also brought thoughts about, was this right?
I didn’t know if I belonged in such a group because I may not be fully bi. It really helped to meet some of the straight people that helped and see that they also had the same concern. They were straight, was it okay for them to help with this group?
We did a protest not long after and several straight people attended. It was better than okay. It showed the world that it wasn’t just a bunch of gay people wanting their way. It was actually a matter over rights and anyone who could look at it in an educated manner could tell that it was wrong to not allow gay marriage.
In closing, I do understand that this is an emotional and dramatic dump but guess what? I didn’t do it for anyone. I did it for me and I want this blog to be intimate. I want the people that read it to be able to dump things like this on me and know that they’re not alone.
Sexuality is a huge choice in your life and it can be confusing, even for someone who knows what they are.
Links to the organization if you would like to check it out


http://www.glbtays.org/


https://www.facebook.com/GLBTAYS


https://twitter.com/GLBTAYS


http://glbtays.blogspot.com/