I've gone to two funerals this school year and I hope that I don't have to attend another one. The first one, I didn't go to the visitation and it was packed out because it was a kid from our school. It felt like what a funeral should be. Sad and important.
The second one was someone that I knew very well and it felt so weird. We went to the visitation and she was in the coffin with it open, just laying there and looking like she could sit up any moment.
Everyone, and there weren't many people, was sitting around, talking, laughing, and just carrying on like the body of their mom, sister, and friend wasn't right there.
It stayed like that the entire time and it just made me really uncomfortable.
For the actual funeral service the front two pews were barely even stocked. Nobody seemed too upset and the service was mostly music instead of talking about her.
We got to the actual funeral and it took less then five minutes. A preacher said that it was the last time we would see her and it was over. At the other person's funeral, it lasted over thirty minutes with people wanting to put flowers on his grave and say goodbye.
It just felt really eerie...
So, while I'm typing this and trying to gather my thoughts, it's really not working.
I really wanted to organize my mind by writing this, but I can't because I'm in my writing class and I don't have any headphones.
I'm also pretty sure that this sub is on drugs.
He kept interrupting our work to talk about IT. Not IT by Stephen King but IT. When he says it, we don't know anything about what the hell he's talking about. He randomly says, "You don't know me or what I mean."
Other than that, I can't even catch on to what he's saying. It doesn't make any sense. Seriously, I'll type a bit of what he's saying as he says it. Keep in mind, the current context...There is none. We're just sitting around and listening to him talk.
"Let me tell you something right now. There is nothing to make you feel better, well, I don't care if you feel good or not. To make you feel better, there is nothing that you can think of that hasn't been thought of."
"If anyone could bottle or capture it, there is nothing that smells better than a newborn baby. A newborn baby has that smell up unto a year old."
"That smell, a newborn baby. If you ever get a chance to smell a baby, they smell soooo good."
"Yin and yang is yin and yong. Do you know which is which? Which is dark?"
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
R.I.P Dylan, Hama-Con, & Dreams
This weekend was a sad weekend for my high school. We lost a Freshmen Friday afternoon about forty minutes after school got out. His name was Dylan and even though I didn't know him, it's still a bit sad.
He was only fourteen. That's what gets me. Fourteen is way too young to be buried.
Right next to our school, we have a train track. It's not too uncommon for kids to walk on the track for convenience sake. Though, they usually move off of the rails when a train is coming so it's not as big of a deal.
That's why I think this is suicide. He should have felt the rails vibrating or heard the horn. He was walking on the track, not trying to run across the crossing or beat the train.
All the same, I will be attending his funeral and giving my condolences to the family as a fellow school mate. I went to school for a very brief moment before mom checked me out and I felt like I was going to suffocate under the sweltering sadness of people remembering their friend.
Lost but not forgotten.
Though, I can't honestly say that was the highlight of my weekend because I hardly knew him.
What was the highlight of my weekend was going to Hama-Con Saturday. I got up at eight, got dressed and all of that good stuff, then my friend Addie was dropped off at my house.
We stopped by the bank and grocery store so that I could pick up the money to get us lunch. Like the healthy kids that we are we got a 2 litter of Dr. Pepper, Hot Cheetos, Poptarts, M&Ms, and Cheez Its.
It was slightly comical because we were musing about if the two litter would fit in one of our purses while we were at the con and a girl looked at us weirdly. It sounded like we were planning on stealing the soda.
After that, we hurried to the con. The registration wasn't that bad which was pretty nice because the line usually takes a little while. Since I was on the pre-registeration list, it took me less than a minute. It took her maybe three, which all in all for a con isn't too bad.
The convention was a lot of fun to. Maybe it was because I had a good friend there with me as well as several other people that I hang out with in school or maybe it was because I attend cons often enough that I know several people and am comfortable with them.
Addie drug me around the convention to take pictures of the cosplayers for the first half. It was okay even though I jokingly complained because I didn't have any panels that I wanted to be to until later that afternoon.
One of the panels that we attended was the Ninja Panel and that was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed getting to play ninja with a large group of people...Even though I seem to do that pretty often anyway.
It did get a tiny bit awkward around the end though. You see, I went to a really small con at the mall that was more of an anime appreciation day than it was a con. While I was there, some guy from the con added me on Facebook. We started chatting. It wasn't anything serious, just idle chatter. Then when I went to actual con here in town, I overheard him say something to his friend about how he was lucky he avoided that one or something and he blocked me from Facebook.
I don't know what that was all about but it made me feel awkward when we ended up being the last two people in ninja. He won by the way.
The awkwardness didn't last too long though since I had a lot of fun.
I also took a group of cosplayers to the park. I don't remember who's idea that was but we ended up inviting several people that we didn't know and splitting our little horde of food with them. We had an America from Hetalia, a Kaito from Vocaloid, Nyan Cat, and several other people that I don't remember what they were from.
One of the people pulled out two foam swords and my friend and I started larping. The loser had to propose to a random character in the con. I won. =D
She ended up proposing to a Grell.
They all wandered back before my friend and I so we started to clean up the area of trash. Once we were done, we began the trek back. On the way, there were four people sitting on a matt, playing instruments and meditating. We kind of idled over to watch and they invited us to join. In the spirit of not being rude, we gave it a go. It was actually a lot of fun. We chanted with them, danced, and meditated then made our way back to the con. From there, we attended several panels and had a great time.
That is, until my best friend decided that she wanted to come. She invited herself around seven at night, well into the con. She was a little upset at me for not inviting her but I didn't invite her because I knew that she wasn't into those type of things.
I was right.
The entire time she complained and insulted just about everyone there. I love her. I love her dearly, but that is not her enviroment.
She was pretty fun at the rave though. Also, it was hilarious to watch her flee from a cosplayer dressed as death. Apparently she has a fear of people wearing masks as well as hugs.
People at conventions really like to hug.
I mean...They REALLY like to hug.
Addie spent the night and we had a lot of fun making stupid Youtube videos the next day.
As for the third part of the title, I've been having some weird dreams that are kind of creeping me out. Sunday night I dreamt about a school shooting that turned into a slave trade. Basically, they shot up the school and then took some people captor to sell as slaves. It's really rare for me to remember a dream, especially in so much clarity so it creeped me out a bit.
The creepier one was last night though.
i dreamed about a friend who had passed away a few years ago. We were in the car and I asked him why people were saying that he was dead. He told me that he didn't know, people posted stupid shit like that all the time.
I found out about his death on Facebook so that's where it was being posted. He lives in Georgia and me in Alabama so I don't know all the details.
The dream was really details and he had even aged since I last saw him so that's what made it so creepy.
He was only fourteen. That's what gets me. Fourteen is way too young to be buried.
Right next to our school, we have a train track. It's not too uncommon for kids to walk on the track for convenience sake. Though, they usually move off of the rails when a train is coming so it's not as big of a deal.
That's why I think this is suicide. He should have felt the rails vibrating or heard the horn. He was walking on the track, not trying to run across the crossing or beat the train.
All the same, I will be attending his funeral and giving my condolences to the family as a fellow school mate. I went to school for a very brief moment before mom checked me out and I felt like I was going to suffocate under the sweltering sadness of people remembering their friend.
Lost but not forgotten.
Though, I can't honestly say that was the highlight of my weekend because I hardly knew him.
What was the highlight of my weekend was going to Hama-Con Saturday. I got up at eight, got dressed and all of that good stuff, then my friend Addie was dropped off at my house.
We stopped by the bank and grocery store so that I could pick up the money to get us lunch. Like the healthy kids that we are we got a 2 litter of Dr. Pepper, Hot Cheetos, Poptarts, M&Ms, and Cheez Its.
It was slightly comical because we were musing about if the two litter would fit in one of our purses while we were at the con and a girl looked at us weirdly. It sounded like we were planning on stealing the soda.
After that, we hurried to the con. The registration wasn't that bad which was pretty nice because the line usually takes a little while. Since I was on the pre-registeration list, it took me less than a minute. It took her maybe three, which all in all for a con isn't too bad.
The convention was a lot of fun to. Maybe it was because I had a good friend there with me as well as several other people that I hang out with in school or maybe it was because I attend cons often enough that I know several people and am comfortable with them.
Addie drug me around the convention to take pictures of the cosplayers for the first half. It was okay even though I jokingly complained because I didn't have any panels that I wanted to be to until later that afternoon.
One of the panels that we attended was the Ninja Panel and that was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed getting to play ninja with a large group of people...Even though I seem to do that pretty often anyway.
It did get a tiny bit awkward around the end though. You see, I went to a really small con at the mall that was more of an anime appreciation day than it was a con. While I was there, some guy from the con added me on Facebook. We started chatting. It wasn't anything serious, just idle chatter. Then when I went to actual con here in town, I overheard him say something to his friend about how he was lucky he avoided that one or something and he blocked me from Facebook.
I don't know what that was all about but it made me feel awkward when we ended up being the last two people in ninja. He won by the way.
The awkwardness didn't last too long though since I had a lot of fun.
I also took a group of cosplayers to the park. I don't remember who's idea that was but we ended up inviting several people that we didn't know and splitting our little horde of food with them. We had an America from Hetalia, a Kaito from Vocaloid, Nyan Cat, and several other people that I don't remember what they were from.
One of the people pulled out two foam swords and my friend and I started larping. The loser had to propose to a random character in the con. I won. =D
She ended up proposing to a Grell.
They all wandered back before my friend and I so we started to clean up the area of trash. Once we were done, we began the trek back. On the way, there were four people sitting on a matt, playing instruments and meditating. We kind of idled over to watch and they invited us to join. In the spirit of not being rude, we gave it a go. It was actually a lot of fun. We chanted with them, danced, and meditated then made our way back to the con. From there, we attended several panels and had a great time.
That is, until my best friend decided that she wanted to come. She invited herself around seven at night, well into the con. She was a little upset at me for not inviting her but I didn't invite her because I knew that she wasn't into those type of things.
I was right.
The entire time she complained and insulted just about everyone there. I love her. I love her dearly, but that is not her enviroment.
She was pretty fun at the rave though. Also, it was hilarious to watch her flee from a cosplayer dressed as death. Apparently she has a fear of people wearing masks as well as hugs.
People at conventions really like to hug.
I mean...They REALLY like to hug.
Addie spent the night and we had a lot of fun making stupid Youtube videos the next day.
As for the third part of the title, I've been having some weird dreams that are kind of creeping me out. Sunday night I dreamt about a school shooting that turned into a slave trade. Basically, they shot up the school and then took some people captor to sell as slaves. It's really rare for me to remember a dream, especially in so much clarity so it creeped me out a bit.
The creepier one was last night though.
i dreamed about a friend who had passed away a few years ago. We were in the car and I asked him why people were saying that he was dead. He told me that he didn't know, people posted stupid shit like that all the time.
I found out about his death on Facebook so that's where it was being posted. He lives in Georgia and me in Alabama so I don't know all the details.
The dream was really details and he had even aged since I last saw him so that's what made it so creepy.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Unto Death Do Us Part & Spiritual Guides
This post is one that I've been needing to write since Monday, but I've been putting it off. I was going to use this as a way to ignore everyone when I finally returned back so school. A safe haven in my writing, but I'm going to go ahead and get it all out now.
Mondays are usually bad, but mine was something to rival hell.
I was actually excited to go to school because I have an after school club called Anime Brigade and I was going to teach it that day. It's something that I could do any day that I want, but it doesn't matter. I enjoy it enough that it's always a pleasant surprise.
Before Anime Brigade, I had Creative Writing though. I love my Creative Writing class. It's always been a safe spot that I can go to and unwind in, but Monday is wasn't. We had to talk to some people and intervene with them and the things that were going on in their class. It wasn't a big deal and we didn't really have a problem, but it left me off centered.
Everything went fine until after school. I went to Brigade, taught my lesson which went over really well and was only fifteen minutes long, and then check my phone. I had a text. "Come outside. I have the baby."
My friend dropped off the little girl that I consider my own at the school. She told me that she would be back to get her around four and for me to just watch her. She didn't come back. So as much as I love my little girl, I lugged her around until I got in touch with mom at five to come get us. Usually I walk home but she's too small to make it all the way back.
While we were at school, I came across one of my friends that looked like she had been crying. Of course, I asked her what was wrong and she told me. Some guy had tried to force himself onto her in the hallway. He almost raped her and she had barely escaped. He ripped her shirt and all of that.
She begged me not to tell and I agreed, but as much as I value trust, as soon as she left, I told a teacher. I did it because her safety was more important to me that her trusting me in the future. She has mentioned kneeing him several times to escape and that worried me. What if he attacked her after school one day because he was mad? I doubt that he had just forgotten. What if he thought that he could get away with more?
We weren't able to get in touch with anyone but the vice principal and he told me to come by his office in the morning.
With that, I got in touch with mom and we left.
I stopped by the house and then prepared to go to my LGBTQ group that I go to every Monday. I only had thirty minutes to get there and of course mom was taking her time. She also wanted to get the baby ice cream and get gas before we got there so I was about twenty minutes late.
As soon as I got there, my friend William whirled me away and started talking about this girl that he was arguing with and all the stuff going on with them. Of course I got drawn into the middle of it and by the end of the night, he had left the group in a rage and promised never to come back. I followed him because it was dark out and I didn't want him out alone in that part of town.
There is still some tension and honestly, I just don't feel like talking about all of it because I like both of them and I don't want to take sides. If I have a side, I don't want to realize it.
The worst part of the day for me was later though. Around 9:30, I was laying on the couch with the baby on my chest and talking on the phone. Dad checked Bonnie, out dog of eighteen years, and she was gone.
Of course we all broke down crying because we loved her and we've had her for so long.
It felt so weird because I wanted to just go in my room, get on the computer, and call my boyfriend like nothing happened, but that felt wrong. It felt wrong to want to act like it was normal when I knew that it wasn't.
I wanted to, but it felt too wrong.
On top of that, I was done crying by Tuesday. I'm still sad and I still look for her, but I can't cry anymore. I can, but I just can't.
It really hurts to hear mom just keep talking about her though. I feel so terrible for feeling like I want to ignore that it happened.
I couldn't fully ignore it though. I wanted closure. So, yesterday I got online and was trying to find some proof for life after death.
It came around to the thought of summoning a spirit to prove it.
Now, this thought has been there for awhile, but Bonnie was a catalyst. I've always been interested in such things, but I'm even more interested now.
I looked at some stuff about spirit guides and I keep getting a flickering image of someone in my head. I can't grasp it, but it doesn't change and it doesn't go away like most images. It's really detailed to.
After all that, some mormons that come by often blessed our house.
It still didn't prevent the weird experience that happened later.
I was on my way to sleep and I saw something. It's hard to explain the angle of my room without something to show you, but it was like someone was standing in the hallway at an angle that I couldn't see. They would bounce in and out of the light several times and I would see the shadow move on my bookcase ans wall. The shadow was about the height of a person, but I never heard any footsteps and nobody in the house was up. I confirmed that this morning. Also, around this time, my mom's dog started whining really loudly from her room like he was scared.
I don't know what happened.
Mondays are usually bad, but mine was something to rival hell.
I was actually excited to go to school because I have an after school club called Anime Brigade and I was going to teach it that day. It's something that I could do any day that I want, but it doesn't matter. I enjoy it enough that it's always a pleasant surprise.
Before Anime Brigade, I had Creative Writing though. I love my Creative Writing class. It's always been a safe spot that I can go to and unwind in, but Monday is wasn't. We had to talk to some people and intervene with them and the things that were going on in their class. It wasn't a big deal and we didn't really have a problem, but it left me off centered.
Everything went fine until after school. I went to Brigade, taught my lesson which went over really well and was only fifteen minutes long, and then check my phone. I had a text. "Come outside. I have the baby."
My friend dropped off the little girl that I consider my own at the school. She told me that she would be back to get her around four and for me to just watch her. She didn't come back. So as much as I love my little girl, I lugged her around until I got in touch with mom at five to come get us. Usually I walk home but she's too small to make it all the way back.
While we were at school, I came across one of my friends that looked like she had been crying. Of course, I asked her what was wrong and she told me. Some guy had tried to force himself onto her in the hallway. He almost raped her and she had barely escaped. He ripped her shirt and all of that.
She begged me not to tell and I agreed, but as much as I value trust, as soon as she left, I told a teacher. I did it because her safety was more important to me that her trusting me in the future. She has mentioned kneeing him several times to escape and that worried me. What if he attacked her after school one day because he was mad? I doubt that he had just forgotten. What if he thought that he could get away with more?
We weren't able to get in touch with anyone but the vice principal and he told me to come by his office in the morning.
With that, I got in touch with mom and we left.
I stopped by the house and then prepared to go to my LGBTQ group that I go to every Monday. I only had thirty minutes to get there and of course mom was taking her time. She also wanted to get the baby ice cream and get gas before we got there so I was about twenty minutes late.
As soon as I got there, my friend William whirled me away and started talking about this girl that he was arguing with and all the stuff going on with them. Of course I got drawn into the middle of it and by the end of the night, he had left the group in a rage and promised never to come back. I followed him because it was dark out and I didn't want him out alone in that part of town.
There is still some tension and honestly, I just don't feel like talking about all of it because I like both of them and I don't want to take sides. If I have a side, I don't want to realize it.
The worst part of the day for me was later though. Around 9:30, I was laying on the couch with the baby on my chest and talking on the phone. Dad checked Bonnie, out dog of eighteen years, and she was gone.
Of course we all broke down crying because we loved her and we've had her for so long.
It felt so weird because I wanted to just go in my room, get on the computer, and call my boyfriend like nothing happened, but that felt wrong. It felt wrong to want to act like it was normal when I knew that it wasn't.
I wanted to, but it felt too wrong.
On top of that, I was done crying by Tuesday. I'm still sad and I still look for her, but I can't cry anymore. I can, but I just can't.
It really hurts to hear mom just keep talking about her though. I feel so terrible for feeling like I want to ignore that it happened.
I couldn't fully ignore it though. I wanted closure. So, yesterday I got online and was trying to find some proof for life after death.
It came around to the thought of summoning a spirit to prove it.
Now, this thought has been there for awhile, but Bonnie was a catalyst. I've always been interested in such things, but I'm even more interested now.
I looked at some stuff about spirit guides and I keep getting a flickering image of someone in my head. I can't grasp it, but it doesn't change and it doesn't go away like most images. It's really detailed to.
After all that, some mormons that come by often blessed our house.
It still didn't prevent the weird experience that happened later.
I was on my way to sleep and I saw something. It's hard to explain the angle of my room without something to show you, but it was like someone was standing in the hallway at an angle that I couldn't see. They would bounce in and out of the light several times and I would see the shadow move on my bookcase ans wall. The shadow was about the height of a person, but I never heard any footsteps and nobody in the house was up. I confirmed that this morning. Also, around this time, my mom's dog started whining really loudly from her room like he was scared.
I don't know what happened.
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