Early Morning Thoughts

I couldn't sleep tonight so I made the choice to stay up all night. I'm not tired, I'm sure I will be later, but that's okay.
Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep when Mikele's here.
I decided to power through the last few episodes of Toradora, which if you don't know is a romance comedy. It's pretty good but it kind of jaded me out.
I miss being with someone and being in love. Yeah, I know that I'm seventeen and that I have plenty of time. I get that, but still...I can't help but feel this way.
I started thinking about Mikele. Yeah, he's great and all, but I know that I'm trying to use him as a filler for what I had.
You see, I dated a guy named Jamie for nine months two years ago...I really cared about him. I've dated several guys, had them take me places and make me smile, even had them admit that they loved me, but none of them stuck with me like Jamie did. I dated these guys before and after him so he wasn't my first or last. Why then does he keep sticking out to me?
He cheated on me so many times, he made me cry constantly, and he left me for my best friend at the time who is now pregnant. I want to be happy for her, but I can't help but a bit resentful. I really cared about him. All the times that I saw him, I was filled with this happiness that made me feel like the entire world wanted me to smile.
It sounds mopey, I know. I'm seventeen, about to be eighteen. I'm too young to be in love. That's what I want to tell myself but I can't help it. I really feel like I loved him. Ever since then, there has been this little emptiness. When I think about him, I feel like crying. Even when I'm with a guy, I don't have that happiness and I want to find someone who will give it to me.
I shouldn't be relying on others to make me happy. I know that, but it's just how I feel.
Even now, a guy who likes me and wants to be with me just texted me. He's such a great guy. He treats me like a queen and makes me smile, but it's not who I want...
I feel like such a brat right now. Heh, complaining and dwelling on some guy who never cared about me.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. I'm really excited about this afternoon, getting to take my little girl trick-or-treating and spending the night with guy person. I'm happy all the time, my life is fantastic, but I can't help but feel sad sometimes.